Are you tired of accidentally having a good day? Do you find yourself feeling content, relaxed, or even—gasp—happy? Fear not! With these ten simple steps, you can ensure your day spirals into absolute chaos. Follow this guide, and you’ll be miserable before lunch.
1. Hit Snooze Until It’s an Emergency
Why wake up peacefully when you can start the day with sheer panic? Set multiple alarms, but snooze them all until you have exactly seven minutes to shower, dress, and get out the door. Bonus points if you forget your keys and have to come back inside multiple times.
2. Skip Breakfast, But Chug Coffee Like It’s Oxygen
Who needs food? Just down three cups of coffee on an empty stomach and enjoy the delightful combination of caffeine jitters, a stomachache, and an impending energy crash. Throw in some self-loathing for good measure.
3. Read the Comments Section
Feeling a little too stable? Fix that by diving into the comments section of any controversial post. Argue with strangers who have nothing better to do, and don’t stop until your blood pressure hits unhealthy levels. Remember: no one actually changes their mind, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying.
4. Pick a Fight for No Reason
If you’re bored, start an argument. It doesn’t matter if it’s with your partner, a coworker, or a random stranger—just make sure both sides walk away angry. The goal isn’t to win; it’s to ensure everyone, including yourself, is thoroughly miserable for the rest of the day.
5. Treat Every Minor Disappointment Like the End of the World
Spilled coffee? A slow driver in front of you? Didn’t get a text back in 30 seconds? Perfect! Overreact immediately. Sigh loudly, roll your eyes, and dramatically declare that nothing ever goes right for you. With enough commitment, you can turn any tiny inconvenience into a full-blown existential crisis.
6. Never Miss an Opportunity to Feel Guilty
If something goes wrong, it’s definitely your fault. Even if it’s not, find a way to blame yourself. Spend hours replaying past mistakes and convince yourself you’re the worst person alive. Holding onto unnecessary guilt is a great way to stay anxious and unproductive all day long.
7. See Disagreements as Proof That Everyone Else Is Insane
If someone dares to have a different opinion, assume they’ve completely lost their mind. Instead of considering another perspective, double down on your righteousness. After all, if you’re not right, the world no longer makes sense.
8. Overbook Yourself, Then Complain About It
Say yes to every request, obligation, and responsibility. Pack your schedule so tightly that you don’t even have time to breathe. Then, when you inevitably feel overwhelmed, loudly complain about how busy you are while resenting everyone who has free time.
9. Doomscroll Until Your Soul is Empty
Want to ensure a bad mood? Open social media and consume an endless stream of bad news, outrage, and people pretending to be happier than you. Keep scrolling until all hope is gone, then wonder why you feel terrible.
10. End the Day by Replaying Every Awkward Thing You’ve Ever Done
Just when you think the day is over, lie in bed and let your brain remind you of every cringeworthy moment from your past. Relive embarrassing encounters in excruciating detail, preferably from 10+ years ago. Stay awake long enough to guarantee exhaustion for the next day, ensuring the cycle of self-sabotage continues.
Final Thoughts
Follow these steps, and you’re guaranteed to have an absolutely miserable day. But, if for some strange reason you’d rather enjoy life, maybe—just maybe—try doing the opposite.
Image credits: Shutterstock
