HP CEO is Wanting to ‘Make Printing a Subscription’

HP CEO is Wanting to ‘Make Printing a Subscription’

In a world where we subscribe to everything from movies to monthly boxes of mystery meats, HP’s CEO, Enrique Lores, has decided to jump on the bandwagon by turning printing into the next Netflix. But instead of chilling, we’re billing… for ink.

Lores spilled the beans in an interview that could put Ambien out of business, revealing plans to make printing a subscription service. It’s like Spotify for your documents, except instead of getting Rick Rolled, you’re getting cartridge trolled. He’s painting a picture where printers are less about paper jams and more about smooth, recurring payments.

The master plan is to make printing as hassle-free as paying for that gym membership you never use. You know, the one that silently siphons money from your account in the hopes that one day you’ll decide to print… I mean, pump some iron. HP’s vision is grand: a world where every cartridge is recycled, every printout is accounted for, and your printer might just be the most committed relationship you have.

HP isn’t new to the “give us money regularly” game. They’ve been trying to seduce customers into their Instant Ink service for years, promising the convenience of never running out of ink because, let’s face it, discovering you’re inkless before printing your boarding pass is a modern-day horror story.

Lores defends HP’s decision to brick printers using third-party ink as a move to protect their precious IP – that’s “intellectual property” and not “ink protection”, though it might as well be. It’s a bit like having a bouncer for your printer, only letting the VIP (Very Important Pigment) cartridges through.

But let’s talk turkey – or in this case, profits. HP raked in over $3 billion from their printing press (pun intended). It seems there’s gold in them thar hills of ink cartridges. And by making printing a subscription, HP plans to mine that gold one monthly payment at a time.
Lores’s pitch boils down to this: HP wants to eliminate “unprofitable customers,” a.k.a. those folks who buy a printer and then have the audacity to use third-party ink, the horror! It’s like inviting yourself to a potluck and bringing nothing but your appetite.

So, as we stand on the brink of a new era where even your printer demands a steady relationship and monthly commitments, one can’t help but wonder: what’s next? Subscription-based toilet paper? Pay-per-flush toilets? The possibilities are as endless as the EULA (End User License Agreement) we’re all too lazy to read.

In conclusion, as HP embarks on this journey to subscriptionize the humble printer, we’re reminded of the relentless march towards a future where everything is a service. And in that future, the only certainty is that somewhere, somehow, there’s a terms of service agreement waiting to be ignored. Happy printing, or rather, happy subscribing!